Spare me the scented candles, says mum of two Helen Farmer, and give the gift of time
We have, umm, discussions about what constitutes a ‘real’ occasion in our house. Before getting married we marked the anniversary of our first date, but after the big day (actually two – one legal, one white wedding) that fell by the wayside, along with marking when we got engaged. Valentine’s Day? Yes, but we’re not going out to eat heart-shaped food. Father’s Day? Made up, apparently. Mother’s Day? NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION.
Growing up it was seen as something we needed to do to appease my mum – a bunch of flowers, clumsily made buttered toast in bed, then back to normal life by 8am. Which is to say, her running around after two children, a dog and husband, with barely a pause to smell the actual and metaphorical flowers.
Now I’m a mum myself, I’d like to put out a very public manifesto (husband, if you’re reading this, hints don’t get bigger than this) about what I suspect the lady in your life would like this Mother’s Day.
1 Time to do what she wants. Alone. It might be a bubble bath with a book, and no children clambering in putting their toes where they don’t belong. It might be a spa trip, solo shopping expedition (you’re paying), or a yoga class on the beach. Maybe a trip to the cinema to see something unanimated and without a heist or natural disaster. Ask her.
2 Sleep. Oh, all the sleep. As someone who is currently dealing with a neighbourhood rooster that can’t tell the time, a dog next door who barks all night, and two kids who want to co-sleep so closely I worry they’re trying to get back inside my skin, I do not wake up rested. A night in a hotel without interruptions is the stuff of literal dreams, but I’d settle for ear plugs and a lie-in past 7am without sticky fingers prising my eyelids apart.
3 Time together – but pleeeeeeease can we put a pause on the bickering, whining and foot dragging? Just a nice, smiley, willing family for even an hour.
4 Heartfelt words. Tell her how and why you appreciate her and everything she does. Be specific.
5 For it to last the whole day. Take care of the dishes, and tell her to relax while you do bedtime or supervise homework, and let her choose what you’re watching.
I know the last year has been incredibly hard for everyone. Job insecurities, distance learning (or ‘emergency learning’ as I’m re-branding it), missing family and friends abroad, the list goes on. But I really do feel like women are bearing a lot of the brunt, from juggling roles, to trying to stay positive and upbeat for the family, even when uncertainty is the only certainty.
It might be a random day in the calendar for some, but please don’t believe your wife or mum if she downplays Mother’s Day, batting it off dismissively. Refuse to let it pass without celebration. Yes, buy a card, choose her favourite flowers (Mr F: no lilies please) and get a gift, but honestly speaking, we just want to feel special, and not absolutely shattered, even if it’s just for 24 hours.
